Supposed to Feel, 2006

Hapar, spring, 2006
Li Yoo is 34

How are you supposed to feel?

On one hand, Li felt deep pain over losing her child. Her heart ached and her soul was raw with emotions. Even her newest purchase of the cutest little "it" purse did nothing to help the pain and shopping was Li's pain salve.

On the other hand, she felt nothing. She didn't have anything that reminded her of the young child. His existance in her apartment was temporal, never longer than a few hours.

She had a lack of family photos to remind her of his smiling face. After his death, she put up the photo from Kimikura, his last trip.

She wished she could say that she put the photo up in rememberance of him, but part of her thinks that she put it up due to guilt.

What kind of mother wasn't there? There wasn't an example for the type of mothering Li did.

She wasn't an unfit mother, her friends agreed over slippery noodles and nectar.

They had arrived one by one,

bringing bottles of nectar and the latest bestseller.

They had come with news of their own, new hairstyles and new degrees.

However, they really came to simply be with thier friend.

Doing what they could to coax a smile.

She didn't abandon her children, they pointed out. She was there for the important events,

birthdays, graduations from kindergarten, funerals...

If she was a man, she wouldn't be struggling with this.

Everyday men give up primary custody to their children. Seeing them twice a month, a month in the summer and every other holiday.

They were not condemned. They were not accused of being unfit. They did not struggle with guilt.

Instead, they were applauded when they picked up the children for making time in their busy lives for the little ones that they helped create.

No one judged them.

She didn't blame herself. She knew better than that. She knew that she couldn't have prevented his death. She couldn't have prevented his sickness.

She tried to continue her life as if nothing had happened. She didn't mention his name to Krissy, the intern at the office when the young woman came over to visit with a friend of hers. They brought casserole which Li welcomed as she was growing tired of takeout.

Li recognized Krissy's friend. They had met before Ping's death, before things had gotten complicated. She didn't call him back, he was too young for her tastes. Besides, now it was too complex. She doubted he would understand, losing a child that truthfully you barely knew aside from the monthly visits.

He convinced her to dance while Krissy warmed up the meal. Li tried to move to the music, but her body wouldn't listen. Her limbs jerked strangely to the rhythm and her head bobbed as if it was being shaken by an angry child.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled and rushed to the safety of her apartment. The couple left soon afterwards, leaving Li with warm casserole and an empty heart.

Her normal routine helped to ground her. The familar pain of her knuckles hitting the bag and sweat running down her cheek dulled the conflicting thoughts in her head.

As a mother, shouldn't she feel more? But grief was different for each-some worked through their grief, others cried through it.

Her neighbor, Erika Moore, invited her to watch a movie in the movie viewing room. She arrived downstairs early and to pass the time, checked her mail and picked up an abandoned book.

The Temptress, the title read. Li sat on the sofa of the renovated community room and opened the book. She shouldn't feel like this. Roger wasn't at all what she wanted...but maybe he was what she needed.

"There you are," Erika said startling Li.

"How was your day?"

"The same," Erika answered. "I did a few designs and then networked looking for more clients. This really handsome man came by your place today looking for you. Very yummy."

Li laughed, "That was my ex-husband."

"Oh," Erika said. Darnit is what she thought. "You know what this movie needs?"

"What?"

"Some strong nectar cocktails."

"I wouldn't mind one of those."

"We should go out for some soon. I still haven't found a good bar."

"There are not that many."

"Oh...well Ms.City Planner, you need to add that to your to-do list."

Li laughed, "I'll try."

---

• Li didn't have even feelings or thoughts about Ping's death. I had to check to make sure her memory registered it. It did, but considering that she's permaplat due to topping her career, there wasn't much of an effect. She did have increased wants for Tobi in terms of calling and talking with him. I didn't trust those two in their grief and I imagine Cameron wouldn't be so tolerant anymore now that she's pregnant again.

• Erika Moore might be familar to some of you who followed Pahala Shore. I missed my old characters and decided that some of them would make the move to Apple Valley as non-playables. Erika is the first to arrive. She bumped into Tobi who was leaving the apartment complex while Li was at work and started heart farting over him and rolling up some inappropiate wants. Erika, you do not want that man.